Friday, May 8, 2015

Rainbows and Glitter

I wish everyday could be filled with rainbows and glitter. I wish no one had to go through hard times, no one would be sad, and life would be fair.

Obviously, this isn't the case, nor will it ever be. There will never be a time when everyday is easy. There will be downs, there will be sorrow, there will be sadness. 

I'm just one for wishful thinking.

I am aware that there is an article floating around about Mother's Dad without a mother. It is well written but it's not mine. It's not my feelings, my words. It is similar but it's not mine. I will now share a portion of my version now.

As some of you know, my mom passed away on June 5th, 2008. I was twenty years old and I was already lost in my world, not knowing what I wanted, going through a called-off engagement to my high school sweetheart, and just simply finding myself.

When she passed, I lost it. I put on a brave face but in moments of weakness, I cracked. Breakdowns would come, and they would hit hard. 

The day after her funeral, I cut all of my hair off. We put it in a ponytail and simply cut it off. Did it change anything? No, but I wanted it to.

My mom's illness came at us fast. Fast and life-changing. I never had anyone in my life become that ill, especially not anyone so close to me. I was ignorant to what cancer was, what it could do, and what it would do. 

What it would do was change everything forever. It would take advantage of us at our weakest, make us fighters, believers, and it would conquer us.

Being diagnosed, treated, in remission, and being re-diagnosed, took less than a year. A year long emotional roller coaster that even at it's worst, I would ride again and again. I would do anything for a moment with her.

I pride myself on being strong when others would believe I should be weak. I am proud that when my life is crumbling, I can be the rock to hold things firmly in place. I can be your paper weight.

But even the toughest rocks can crumble. 

I barely cried when my mom was sick. Maybe it was because I didn't understand it, maybe it was because I was naive. When I did cry, it was in private. I never let anyone see me fall until I decided to have a party with all of my friends. They found me in my bathroom, curled in a ball. What did they do? They sat on the floor with me and cried also.

My mom was always the "cool mom". She took us places, made us cinnamon rolls and mac and cheese, she let us be ourselves, and most importantly loved every single one of us. She was everyone's Aunt Kim. I was so proud I belonged to her.

In my eyes, I will always belong to her. I'm assuming everyone can see it like that but I don't think they understand the depth, 

I will forever belong to my mom. I will always have a part of her in me, I will always be haunted by the memories, and I will always be controlled by the sorrow I feel from my longing to be with her. My life is her's. My life would not exist if it wasn't for her.

I don't care what anyone says, time can not heal a broken heart. Maybe from a relationship, but when someone you love leaves this Earth, they take a part of you that can never be healed.

I am not saying that I sit around and self-loathe or that I am deeply depressed, because I am not.

I have chosen to not waste a minute. Life is too short to not be happy. It would be a waste of my time and my mother's life for me to sit in a dark room and hate the world. I have chosen to live. I strive to make her proud. I want to make it all worthwhile. 

I don't really know what I do or do not believe about the afterlife. I want to believe that there is a place where she is waiting, watching, and loving. I want to believe that when my time comes, her warm, welcoming face will be there to greet me. I want to believe that I will hear her munchkin impression one more time.

Do I believe? I don't know. I want to so bad that sometimes it hurts. I want to hear her laugh again, I want her loving touch. I just want her by my side.

I know all of these emotions are normal. I know that everyone in my exact situation could write these words, so let me speak to you. Let me tell you what I have learned over the past 7 years.

Things don't get easier as time goes on. People lie if they tell you this. The pain of not having your mom to turn to, lean on, or simply enjoy the day with will be with you every second of every day.

Things will happen in your life where you want to call her up and tell her all about it. This is where it is ideal to grow closer to your dad and to acquire friends who will listen. Real friends, not bar friends. You will need the kind of people in your life that can simply just be, they can be content with sitting on your couch, nodding their head, and pouring you another glass of wine. These people are important, these people are your therapy. 

Start a journal and read it out loud. You can believe that she is listening or maybe it will just make you feel better to get it off of your chest. Writing is nostalgic.

You need to allow yourself to feel every emotion. The greatest thing a human can do is be in touch with every aspect of his or herself. Emotion is good. It lets you know that you are alive. It is good to feel. Open yourself up to these emotions and live through them. Live passionately, deliberately, and 
a little scarred. It makes you, you.

When my great grandma passed away, I got up and said some words that I found encouraging. I told my grandma and her sisters that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that she left. Now, she could be with all of her daughters every moment. Now, she had access to their lives that she never had before. She had a a front seat to the rest of their lives.

I like to think that my mom is also sitting front row to my life. Is there some things that I hope she doesn't see? Of course, but it's reassuring to think that she is going through things with me.

When the the days come where I get married and have a baby, it will be some of the hardest. I know that I will cry. I know that I will want her there, I will want her to be a part of my milestones so bad, I want that now, but I have to believe that she will be there. 

She will be there in my heart, my mind, my sorrow, my love, and my tears. She will be there. 

I guess the theme and real question of this post is, "Is Mother's Day harder than any other day?"

The answer is no. Those of us who have said goodbye to the most important woman in our lives go through the same pain everyday. It lives inside us. Buried deep in our souls where the warm feeling of our mother's touch use to be, is our pain. Some of us can just hide it better than others.

Well, I hope I have thoroughly depressed every single one of you. Ok, not really. I didn't mean to make this so dark. I thought about scrapping it and starting over but then I realized, these are things I need to say. These are things that I want to go back and read when my pain find it's way out. So, here it is.

Hold you mothers tight y'all. You never know when they will be taken away.


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