Thankful, Grateful, Blessed

A new challenge is taking social media by storm and it has made me think. People are posting what they looked like in 2010 compared to what they look like now. The fact that 2020 is coming is apparently a big deal. I looked at some pictures of myself from 2010 and to be honest, my appearance wasn’t that different. Did I have a stupid facial piercing? Yes. Was I a little skinnier? Absolutely, but on the outside I am pretty much the same, just a few more wrinkles.

The truth is that I am nothing like that girl in the pictures. Over the past ten years, I have experienced an immense amount of change in my life. Some change was good, even great, some was needed, and some was forced upon me. In the last ten years I went from having lost two important people in my life to losing 12+ people, but I also gained double that number and one very important person, myself.

In the last ten years, I have lost both of my grandpas, family friends, distant relatives, co-workers, and students. In the last ten years, I have shed more tears than in my entire life. I have lost relationships, opportunities, and myself. I experienced more emotions to count and the mistakes have piled up but here, at the end of 2019, I am proud of who I have become.

I will not say that all of the past decade was challenging. I can say that there has been just as much joy as sorrow. There has been happiness and laughs till my belly hurt. There has been love, comradery, and passion. There has been just plain joy and for these moments I am forever grateful.  

As Thanksgiving approaches, we find ourselves looking at our lives and thinking about what we are thankful for. This year, I find myself with a list of things longer than I can count.

Last year, I was thankful for my life and the strength that the people of Santa Fe showed so bravely. This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for my life but also who my students and I have become.

I will not relate every post or thing in my life towards that horrible day in May but y’all, Tuesday was a year and a half since the shooting. How did that happen? How did time continue and how did it pass so rapidly? I can tell you why I think so.

This year I turned 31. My 30^th year was a year of growth. I was forced to grow up and handle a situation as an adult so I could be the rock in my student’s lives. I was expected to handle my own emotions but also carry theirs’s with me. In no way will I ever brag on myself or gloat, but I will say that I did it. I successfully was there for them and they there for me. Was it easy? Absolutely not but every hard second was worth it. I learned what it means to love unconditionally and how your heart can separate into so many little pieces so each person can have a part of it. I learned that my kids were leaders and sometimes we just needed to close our classroom door and be real and assess how we were going to make our lives, and the rest of the student body’s the best that they could be. Sometimes we just needed to express our emotions and talk about it out loud. We learned that anxiety is real and that support from like minds is some of the best therapy. We grew together and for that, I will forever be thankful. I will forever remember my 30^th year because not only did it rip people from my life, it gave me so much. It gave me strength, it gave me pride, and it gave me a place where I feel I belong. The last year and a half has gone by so fast because we have decided to make each day mean something and when you put purpose into what you are doing and you truly enjoy it, time flies. I have put so much time and effort into making our days successful that I have just lost track of time.

As my 30^th year came to a close, it welcomed even more growth. The end of an 8-year relationship, and a beginning to a new lifestyle. The heartbreak was tough but in the end, it was necessary. Some people are just meant to be apart, better as friends. I regret nothing from the relationship and I learned so much. I learned what I really want out of my next and from the breakup I found that I am capable. I can do this all on my own, for the most part. I also gained many relationships that I will forever hold dear to my heart. I can thank that time of my life for giving me some of my best friends.

My 31^st year has been great so far and the official year of change. I have bought my first brand new car, I bought a travel trailer, I travelled across the country by myself, I have made new friends and have made the best memories with everyone in my life. The most important thing though, has been surviving. On my darkest days, I have prevailed. I have put my everything into each day and I have dedicated myself to what I am most passionate about. I have found that my job and my students will always be my number one priority but followed closely by time well spent with family and friends. I have learned that I may always be a bridesmaid but as long as I have a dance floor to be on, I will be okay. My 31^st year has shown me that I can drive a 32-foot travel trailer from Dallas to Santa Fe and that I am absolutely not settling until I find the one person the compliments my life perfectly.

Sure, the last decade has been hard but just look at how much I have gain, how much I have learned, how you, yourself has grown. I don’t want to say goodbye to the decade, I want to say thank you.

Do I wish every minute of every day that certain moments in our lives would have worked out differently? Of course I do. Do I understand that even though I am thankful for my lessons learned that there are people out there still mourning, and will be forever mourning? Absolutely and it breaks my heart, I too am still mourning but have just decided to do it differently. I wish I could change the past for them all, I wish that bad things didn’t happen to good people. I wish that I had all of the wishes in the world but in reality, all I have is myself and what I am capable of and thanks to this last decade, I have found that it is almost anything.

Without the last year and half, this end of a decade post would have unfolded differently but the truth of the matter is that it happened. It happened and we powered through it. Goodbye 2010-2020, and hello to the next ten years. Bring what you will, but just know that I am ready.

Hell of a Year

It is weird to me that our lives are measured by years. The number of years a person is on this earth defies them. 2018 was my 30th year here and it by far was one of the worst. When you hear the age thirty, you probably imagine a young adult who has a career and/or family. That's not exactly what happened in my 30th year.

If you would have told me this was how my year was going to go, I would have said you are insane. There is no way that could happen, there is no way all of this could have happened.

Working in the school system, we measure years two ways. The way everyone else does and the school year way, August thru May. Last school year was one of the worst school years I have ever witnessed. Anything that could have happened at a high school did. We had never been more excited for a school year to come to a close as we got to the month of May. Unfortunately, we never got the feeling of completion of last school year. We never got our closure.

I experienced a lot of feelings and emotions in 2018. I can say that I was fortunate to feel happiness, joy, love, excitement, kindness, and content. They didn't come easy and they did not stay long.

There were days where I felt unlucky, stressed, and just plain moody but I would have taken any of those days over what I, and a school full of my colleagues and kids felt on May 18th. Fright, sorrow, confusion, anxious, unbearable heartbreak. These are all things I would never wish upon on anyone, these are all things I didn't think would affect me as much as they did.

This year changed me, that day changed me. I can confidently say that I have felt every emotion known this year, but I can also say I experienced growth.

My character was challenged this year. I was forced to find who I am in a abrupt, life changing way but for that I am thankful. I have learned so much about myself this year. I have also learned an abundance of things about my family, friends, coworkers, and students. All of which has helped me to become the person I can say I am today.

There is nothing wrong with calling yourself strong. I thought I was a strong person after my mom died in 2008. I thought I showed poise, matureness, and strength. Little did I know, that was just a small portion of my strength. This year I amazed myself. This year it has taken every bit of my strength to be able to stand here in the place I am today.

I can't emphasize how much I have learned about myself and others around me this year. The human race as a whole is strange. You think you know people, you have your expectations of the people around you but then an event happens close to you and everyone's true colors shine through. Some ugly and some beautiful. I saw many colors on that day in May. I saw my fellow humans fall to defeat and rise with strength. I literally saw them crumbling in tears on the floor and standing up to ask "What's next?"

When a situation is thrusted upon you that is something you have never experienced nor have control over, you work off adrenaline. You either become a leader or a follower, but either way you are a victim. My students and my co-workers are not just victims though, they are survivors.

It has been 7 months since May 18th. It has been 7 months since the world around us was forced to change. It feels like yesterday that I lived through the longest 24 hours of my life. It may feel like that forever but the way I feel now is different than yesterday.

That Friday I felt shock. I felt sadness. I felt an overwhelming amount of disappointment. How could one of our kids single-handedly have done this to the entire community? How was this happening at my school? The questions kept coming but the answers were what I needed.

The next day, at our baseball playoff game, the sadness was still there. The sadness was everywhere, but I also felt unity. No, not everyone in those stands or on that field had the same experience as me or anyone else the day before, but we all felt it. We were all forever touched.

As the days went on, the answers started to come to me. I knew what I had to do. I had to jump right into rebuilding. I had to spend time with my kids. I had to be strong.

At the beginning of summer, I learned what it felt to be loved and to love in a different way. It wasn't just my family and boyfriend anymore, it was pure love for everyone in my life. Love and gratefulness was overflowing. I felt supported but also felt like everyone else’s  supporter. I felt gratitude, love, and strength.

As the shock wore off, the anger started to take its place. I was angry with the child who caused this all but I was also angry with my community. They were teaching me that yes, there are amazing people in this world but also that vile, horrible people exist.

Everyday is a new battle, everyday is different from the one before. We are all coping with things differently. Some of us have taken our emotions and inserted them into something productive. Some have made it their mission in life to make our battles harder.

This year I learned just how horrible people can really be. I have learned that no one is who you think they are and no one is above the exception. Life is hard but bad people make it harder. From this, I have tried to my hardest to be a good person.

2018 taught me that anxiety is real. It has brought me moments where I have felt an elephant sitting on my chest. It has brought me minutes where I have been overwhelmed. It has brought me seconds where I have forgotten to breathe. I get anxious if I am away from the school too long. If my kids are at school and I am not, I feel stressed. I could not live with myself if something were to happen and I was not there for them. I would throw my body in front of a bullet for any student in that school and if I wasn't there to be able to do that, I can't even imagine the feelings I would live with.

2018 gave me the first part of my dream job. I was given the opportunity to have fun with my kids, teach them how to be leaders, and help them live a normal life. My priority thus far this school year has been to see smiles on each of my kid's faces. If I can make them laugh or smile for even just a second, my day is brighter. 

This year hasn't been all bad. I have let a day change me but I have not let it defeat me. Everyday is new, everyday is different. I am just grateful that I have received these days. I don't want to imagine who I would be today without this year. I know now just how strong I can be and how resilient we really are. 

Humans are weird, we think at midnight on New Year's Eve that we just get a clean slate and everything can be different, can be better. There is nothing wrong with hope, with the thought that next year will be better than the last, but this year my hope is different. Sure, I want to eat better and have a healthier lifestyle but I also want to continue on this path that I am on. I want to take all of my life lessons from 2018 and put them efficiently into 2019. Things are not just going to change for us at midnight, things are going to continue. 

If I have learned anything this year, it is that I am capable. I am capable of amazing things. Every person is, but this year was my year.

Yes, it was one of the worst years of my life and I can not wait for it to be gone but I can say that I am grateful for the life lessons I have learned. 18 is not a good number for us and I don't know how 19 will pan out, but I know that I will rise to the occasion and tackle any obstacle. 

I have been waiting for the feeling of completion all year. I will carry that day and all of the beautiful souls lost with me forever but I am hoping that we can all find the closure we have been longing for. This year needs an end, this year needs to turn into the next so I, we, can continue to turn ourselves into the most exceptional people we can be.

2019 looks bright, lets make it that way.