If you would have told me this was how my year was going to go, I would have said you are insane. There is no way that could happen, there is no way all of this could have happened.
Working in the school system, we measure years two ways. The way everyone else does and the school year way, August thru May. Last school year was one of the worst school years I have ever witnessed. Anything that could have happened at a high school did. We had never been more excited for a school year to come to a close as we got to the month of May. Unfortunately, we never got the feeling of completion of last school year. We never got our closure.
I experienced a lot of feelings and emotions in 2018. I can say that I was fortunate to feel happiness, joy, love, excitement, kindness, and content. They didn't come easy and they did not stay long.
There were days where I felt unlucky, stressed, and just plain moody but I would have taken any of those days over what I, and a school full of my colleagues and kids felt on May 18th. Fright, sorrow, confusion, anxious, unbearable heartbreak. These are all things I would never wish upon on anyone, these are all things I didn't think would affect me as much as they did.
This year changed me, that day changed me. I can confidently say that I have felt every emotion known this year, but I can also say I experienced growth.
My character was challenged this year. I was forced to find who I am in a abrupt, life changing way but for that I am thankful. I have learned so much about myself this year. I have also learned an abundance of things about my family, friends, coworkers, and students. All of which has helped me to become the person I can say I am today.
There is nothing wrong with calling yourself strong. I thought I was a strong person after my mom died in 2008. I thought I showed poise, matureness, and strength. Little did I know, that was just a small portion of my strength. This year I amazed myself. This year it has taken every bit of my strength to be able to stand here in the place I am today.
I can't emphasize how much I have learned about myself and others around me this year. The human race as a whole is strange. You think you know people, you have your expectations of the people around you but then an event happens close to you and everyone's true colors shine through. Some ugly and some beautiful. I saw many colors on that day in May. I saw my fellow humans fall to defeat and rise with strength. I literally saw them crumbling in tears on the floor and standing up to ask "What's next?"
When a situation is thrusted upon you that is something you have never experienced nor have control over, you work off adrenaline. You either become a leader or a follower, but either way you are a victim. My students and my co-workers are not just victims though, they are survivors.
It has been 7 months since May 18th. It has been 7 months since the world around us was forced to change. It feels like yesterday that I lived through the longest 24 hours of my life. It may feel like that forever but the way I feel now is different than yesterday.
That Friday I felt shock. I felt sadness. I felt an overwhelming amount of disappointment. How could one of our kids single-handedly have done this to the entire community? How was this happening at my school? The questions kept coming but the answers were what I needed.
The next day, at our baseball playoff game, the sadness was still there. The sadness was everywhere, but I also felt unity. No, not everyone in those stands or on that field had the same experience as me or anyone else the day before, but we all felt it. We were all forever touched.
As the days went on, the answers started to come to me. I knew what I had to do. I had to jump right into rebuilding. I had to spend time with my kids. I had to be strong.
At the beginning of summer, I learned what it felt to be loved and to love in a different way. It wasn't just my family and boyfriend anymore, it was pure love for everyone in my life. Love and gratefulness was overflowing. I felt supported but also felt like everyone else’s supporter. I felt gratitude, love, and strength.
As the shock wore off, the anger started to take its place. I was angry with the child who caused this all but I was also angry with my community. They were teaching me that yes, there are amazing people in this world but also that vile, horrible people exist.
Everyday is a new battle, everyday is different from the one before. We are all coping with things differently. Some of us have taken our emotions and inserted them into something productive. Some have made it their mission in life to make our battles harder.
This year I learned just how horrible people can really be. I have learned that no one is who you think they are and no one is above the exception. Life is hard but bad people make it harder. From this, I have tried to my hardest to be a good person.
2018 taught me that anxiety is real. It has brought me moments where I have felt an elephant sitting on my chest. It has brought me minutes where I have been overwhelmed. It has brought me seconds where I have forgotten to breathe. I get anxious if I am away from the school too long. If my kids are at school and I am not, I feel stressed. I could not live with myself if something were to happen and I was not there for them. I would throw my body in front of a bullet for any student in that school and if I wasn't there to be able to do that, I can't even imagine the feelings I would live with.
2018 gave me the first part of my dream job. I was given the opportunity to have fun with my kids, teach them how to be leaders, and help them live a normal life. My priority thus far this school year has been to see smiles on each of my kid's faces. If I can make them laugh or smile for even just a second, my day is brighter.
This year hasn't been all bad. I have let a day change me but I have not let it defeat me. Everyday is new, everyday is different. I am just grateful that I have received these days. I don't want to imagine who I would be today without this year. I know now just how strong I can be and how resilient we really are.
Humans are weird, we think at midnight on New Year's Eve that we just get a clean slate and everything can be different, can be better. There is nothing wrong with hope, with the thought that next year will be better than the last, but this year my hope is different. Sure, I want to eat better and have a healthier lifestyle but I also want to continue on this path that I am on. I want to take all of my life lessons from 2018 and put them efficiently into 2019. Things are not just going to change for us at midnight, things are going to continue.
If I have learned anything this year, it is that I am capable. I am capable of amazing things. Every person is, but this year was my year.
Yes, it was one of the worst years of my life and I can not wait for it to be gone but I can say that I am grateful for the life lessons I have learned. 18 is not a good number for us and I don't know how 19 will pan out, but I know that I will rise to the occasion and tackle any obstacle.
I have been waiting for the feeling of completion all year. I will carry that day and all of the beautiful souls lost with me forever but I am hoping that we can all find the closure we have been longing for. This year needs an end, this year needs to turn into the next so I, we, can continue to turn ourselves into the most exceptional people we can be.
2019 looks bright, lets make it that way.
No comments:
Post a Comment