Thankful, Grateful, Blessed

A new challenge is taking social media by storm and it has made me think. People are posting what they looked like in 2010 compared to what they look like now. The fact that 2020 is coming is apparently a big deal. I looked at some pictures of myself from 2010 and to be honest, my appearance wasn’t that different. Did I have a stupid facial piercing? Yes. Was I a little skinnier? Absolutely, but on the outside I am pretty much the same, just a few more wrinkles.

The truth is that I am nothing like that girl in the pictures. Over the past ten years, I have experienced an immense amount of change in my life. Some change was good, even great, some was needed, and some was forced upon me. In the last ten years I went from having lost two important people in my life to losing 12+ people, but I also gained double that number and one very important person, myself.

In the last ten years, I have lost both of my grandpas, family friends, distant relatives, co-workers, and students. In the last ten years, I have shed more tears than in my entire life. I have lost relationships, opportunities, and myself. I experienced more emotions to count and the mistakes have piled up but here, at the end of 2019, I am proud of who I have become.

I will not say that all of the past decade was challenging. I can say that there has been just as much joy as sorrow. There has been happiness and laughs till my belly hurt. There has been love, comradery, and passion. There has been just plain joy and for these moments I am forever grateful.  

As Thanksgiving approaches, we find ourselves looking at our lives and thinking about what we are thankful for. This year, I find myself with a list of things longer than I can count.

Last year, I was thankful for my life and the strength that the people of Santa Fe showed so bravely. This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for my life but also who my students and I have become.

I will not relate every post or thing in my life towards that horrible day in May but y’all, Tuesday was a year and a half since the shooting. How did that happen? How did time continue and how did it pass so rapidly? I can tell you why I think so.

This year I turned 31. My 30^th year was a year of growth. I was forced to grow up and handle a situation as an adult so I could be the rock in my student’s lives. I was expected to handle my own emotions but also carry theirs’s with me. In no way will I ever brag on myself or gloat, but I will say that I did it. I successfully was there for them and they there for me. Was it easy? Absolutely not but every hard second was worth it. I learned what it means to love unconditionally and how your heart can separate into so many little pieces so each person can have a part of it. I learned that my kids were leaders and sometimes we just needed to close our classroom door and be real and assess how we were going to make our lives, and the rest of the student body’s the best that they could be. Sometimes we just needed to express our emotions and talk about it out loud. We learned that anxiety is real and that support from like minds is some of the best therapy. We grew together and for that, I will forever be thankful. I will forever remember my 30^th year because not only did it rip people from my life, it gave me so much. It gave me strength, it gave me pride, and it gave me a place where I feel I belong. The last year and a half has gone by so fast because we have decided to make each day mean something and when you put purpose into what you are doing and you truly enjoy it, time flies. I have put so much time and effort into making our days successful that I have just lost track of time.

As my 30^th year came to a close, it welcomed even more growth. The end of an 8-year relationship, and a beginning to a new lifestyle. The heartbreak was tough but in the end, it was necessary. Some people are just meant to be apart, better as friends. I regret nothing from the relationship and I learned so much. I learned what I really want out of my next and from the breakup I found that I am capable. I can do this all on my own, for the most part. I also gained many relationships that I will forever hold dear to my heart. I can thank that time of my life for giving me some of my best friends.

My 31^st year has been great so far and the official year of change. I have bought my first brand new car, I bought a travel trailer, I travelled across the country by myself, I have made new friends and have made the best memories with everyone in my life. The most important thing though, has been surviving. On my darkest days, I have prevailed. I have put my everything into each day and I have dedicated myself to what I am most passionate about. I have found that my job and my students will always be my number one priority but followed closely by time well spent with family and friends. I have learned that I may always be a bridesmaid but as long as I have a dance floor to be on, I will be okay. My 31^st year has shown me that I can drive a 32-foot travel trailer from Dallas to Santa Fe and that I am absolutely not settling until I find the one person the compliments my life perfectly.

Sure, the last decade has been hard but just look at how much I have gain, how much I have learned, how you, yourself has grown. I don’t want to say goodbye to the decade, I want to say thank you.

Do I wish every minute of every day that certain moments in our lives would have worked out differently? Of course I do. Do I understand that even though I am thankful for my lessons learned that there are people out there still mourning, and will be forever mourning? Absolutely and it breaks my heart, I too am still mourning but have just decided to do it differently. I wish I could change the past for them all, I wish that bad things didn’t happen to good people. I wish that I had all of the wishes in the world but in reality, all I have is myself and what I am capable of and thanks to this last decade, I have found that it is almost anything.

Without the last year and half, this end of a decade post would have unfolded differently but the truth of the matter is that it happened. It happened and we powered through it. Goodbye 2010-2020, and hello to the next ten years. Bring what you will, but just know that I am ready.